You were with her, my old friend, and you actually care for her. That hurt. But of course, I come around and make sure it ends. I can't let anyone else have you, I don't want others having your heart. I want you're heart to be full of me and only me, even when I'm gone. I hope you missed me. I hope you were on top of her and you were thinking about me and how good I looked rolling my eyes back while I lay under you, and you open your eyes and its just her. I let you two be for a little while, until you called me, then I made sure I was all you think about. We connected again, you kept talking about how we will get married in 5 years on my birthday, and how you imagine me as the mother of your children. We were so content together this weekend, sleepovers every night, drunk every nigh, sex every night, love every night. But of course I messed it up, because I know how this goes, I see you... We love... we break... over and over and over again. I told you that you must figure out what you want, and that you should get it, and I told you not to talk to me until you know what you want. I hope its me you want, I know you want me, I just hope you don't think about everything that could go wrong like always, I hope you only think of the good that could come out of it. I hope to hear from you soon, and I hope its me you want.
I had bad dreams with him in it and its make my disassociation worse today. I'm so frustrated. I told him about my dreams, I went over there when he asked me to fuck him. I didn't fuck him, I talked and laid and we got frustrated with each other, (CLASSIC!!!) and I said I didn't feel good and I left. Sometimes it hurts me when I see him doing good and making moves while I'm not, but its when I talk to him that I feel worse and do less, as time goes on without me talking to him I do better and get more done. I'm just talking out loud, Thats pretty much what this whole site is for, btw. I just say random shit and say what I'm thinking because it really sometimes makes me feel better to just get it out rather then all the thoughts sitting in my head. Once I write it out I don't have to remember it in my mind I can look back on here if I want to remember how I was feeling. I have to go to work today even tho I'm not feeling while which really sucks ass hole like seriously I can't stay home once, what a fuckin joke.
I check my phone after not having contact from him for 5 days or something, that is worrying and I know that means somethings "wrong". I know this because it's happened a few (ok fine... more then a few) times before. After explaining, like usual, that no one else could help him, I confronted him about how he always seems to do that. Classic excuse for anyone who doesn't respond " I wasn't on my phone"
He just came over; woke me up and called me asking why I texted him all of that, it was a stressful call because I literally took so much aderall. I am so um idek if I'm happy, content, sad or something else. He just left. We talked about everything. He can't be with me right now because if he's going to be with me he wants to be 100% committed. That doesn't mean he had other bitches, he doesn't. He's working on himself and he needs to right now, himself and his family. I'm so proud but so hurt. I'm not sure if it's being selfish. But why can't all of his energy go into me. If he is so in love with me like he says he is? I'd do that for him, even tho I know it's not the right thing. Like I always say. Love isn't logic, but he's being smart and putting logic before love, I've been working on that too. But what can I say...I'm a sucker for love!
I need help. This is so dumb. He hits me up again just like always. still NOTHING about all that shit I said that was serious and so hard to say. I fucking hate it. I've texted him pretty much saying how pissed I am and how frustrated I am. It's so not cool. I'm honestly tired of it, Should I be done trying or what. It's totally going to suck if I spent months and months AFTER we broke up trying to get him back.. trying to get over him...trying to get him back... over and over and over. You get the point. But seriously like I'll have to start all over trying to get over him again. FUCKIN HELL BROO)GHugvrikgvj
Of course he's being crazy again, he's fucking crazy. So I talk to him about what I'm thinking... he's leaving soon so I threw out the idea about being together without all the stress and just happiness and being there whenever we want and just giving each other everything for the short time we have left, I posted about it earlier, I basically said exactly what I wrote, he said he had to think about it, which I obviously understood. But then he stopped contacting me pretty much, I called and talked to him, I was perfectly rude, yet mature and straight to the point. I don't want anymore GAMES. It's okay tho. Then he's texting me playing games about how we're best friends I'm not sure if I even understand what kind of game he was trying to play. Then he's with a boy who I was stressed about him being with, no need to explain why. I then got a text later last night saying "wassup w you baby" like what the fuck is this bullshit, seriously the last text he called me "bestie" then he says "baby". I'm proud of myself because yesterday I was 2 doors from his house and I decided not to drive by to see if he was home. Im also proud of myself for seeing how fuckin annoying he is, its so dumb, he does not know what he's doing, he is just fucking around, its a joke and I just really don't have time.
I don't know what is the right thing baby. I need to talk to you. Although I KNOW what I want, I want to be with you , be happy, all of the good things, without as much of the painful heart wrenching things. I think that is possible honestly, it may cause a bit of conflict on ourselves, meaning that if we want all of the happy things, all of the good things about us, there is still going to be things that make us mad at each other, but we should try to keep that anger to ourselves, even though that will be hard,because were not used to that, keeping in our disagreements, we are not good at NOT fighting. Wow, I think I just realized that THAT was the root of our problems, and we, or at least I, did not know we were doing that, until now, we fought and blamed every little thing on each other, which brought us together more, brought our hearts together more, while breaking it at the very same time , and we took little pieces of each others broken hearts for ourselves, hurting us more in the end. So, although not placing so much blame on each other may sound hard, think about it, wouldn't it be nice to be happy and in love, of course we'll always have disagreements and fights, it'd be nice to see what we could be, one last time?
I have been seeing him a lot lately, well a lot compared to not seeing him at all. It's what we do. We fight, we scream, we love passionately, we fuck, we make love, we sit in silence, we hate, and we do it over and over again. I hope that I'm not getting myself hurt more, but I know that I am. We love to be "crazy in love". I hate it sometimes but sometimes its the best and most bittersweet feeling in the world. You told me you're still in love with me, and I knew that, but hearing you say it was different. We'll always love each other but whenever we start talking again we realize we're still IN love. I don't exactly know how or why we're still in love after everything, but I think it's because we CHOOSE to not let go, we CHOOSE to stay hurting, we CHOOSE to not forget, because, at least from my view, what we have is once in a life time, and I don't think you should give up on once in a life time opportunities.
I know how it feels. You care when you shouldn't, you hurt more then you should, you want him back even though you know that isn't the right thing. Why do we do that? We know its wrong, but we still want them, even if it's bad for you. We want what we can't have, we want we are COMFORTABLE with. You spent time with them, you trusted them, maybe you even trusted them with your life. Maybe you plan on what you're wearing today, just in case you see him, maybe you catch yourself saying, why am I doing this? he's not mine anymore. But maybe you still love him, I know I do, even though i shouldn't, I do, thats how my heart is, it will always care.
I'm just a 17 year old girl who has had her fair share of love and liking and lust and worst of all heartbreak! I'm lazy but if you've ever been in love you know that you'll do anything for your SO. I'm currently trying to do something good, with my broken heart.